Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Investment Houses Downsize to Shacks

Five storied Wall Street investment houses are no more. Four managed their way into safer commercial bank waters, two with lifeguard Uncle Sam's direct assistance. The fifth, Lehman Brothers went under. Its failure is odd given the firm's employ of two Presidential relatives, cousin George Herbert Walker and brother Jeb Bush.

Three groups have the money to open boutique investment shacks in that empty New York real estate, private equity firms, sovereign wealth funds, and the posse of welfare mothers that took down Wall Street. I envision the following for each investment niche:

The PEU Investment Trust

Private equity underwriters (PEU) will open a branch office, now known as an outhouse. There they plan to buy banks loaded with crappy "mortgage related securities", the government definition of which includes credit derivatives, car loans, credit card debt and student loans. They will temporarily store the fecal like investment products until the Treasury pulls up with a sewage truck to empty their investment septic tank of billions in bad paper. Competitors on Wall Street will can it the PEU Stink Tank.

The Three Sheiks (which sounds like Shack when pronounced by a Bostonian)

Sovereign Wealth Funds, overflowing from our gas money, will build a rotating skyscraper that looks like a clenched hand, only one finger will be raised. The middle one will protrude high into the New York skyline. The rotating finger will point to all of America at some time during its 24 hour rotation. The state of the art building will collect methane produced by workers. Rather than an opening bell, this firm will expel the gas loudly when it buys or sells a key U.S. asset. Once released in a giant farting sound, the methane will be flared to as not to contribute to global warming.

The Two Shaqs

The welfare mother who took down Wall Street, Shaquilla Brown and her posse of welfare queens will join with NBA star Shaquille O'Neil and open a branch. They will manage Robert Johnson's billions. Mr. Johnson made big money from his BET sale and is the owner of two Charlotte, N.C. professional basketball teams. Another niche for the boutique investment firm will be investing money for overpaid New York Knick players recently acquired from the Charlotte Bobcats.

Look for big changes on Wall Street. They could be entertaining, but then again, not.